The day before the summer holidays begin, again.
My third, THIRD 😥, summer 'holidays' I’m heading into having not taught.
That’s a long time of being unemployed or not teaching, not doing what I love. I feel like I have so, so many thoughts on it but don’t often know where to begin on getting it out.
I say 'holidays' inverted because for me it’s not a holiday in so many ways. Yes I can spend time with loved ones and those are available more for the next 6 weeks but sadly it’s also not a holiday from chronic illness and I can’t always treat it like 6 weeks of holiday, financially or socially, because in September/October I’ll end up paying for it with my body and I’ve realised I can’t only spend term time focusing on my health. It’s a full time commitment and it has to be, even when those around me are on holiday.
There’s huge denial still, I often look at jobs (telling myself I’m looking for others) but I’m intrigued if there’s anything at all that I would have fancied doing or could even manage. I mean I’d be looking at half an hour a week tops or even 15 minutes in an intense environment like that but it would appear I’m still clutching onto that hope.
I can’t seem to feel at peace with being away from teaching, away from working or trying to prioritise my recovery even though that’s clearly what I still need to do.

I feel so angry and frustrated by it all and every time I think of being in a classroom I feel the rage inside me at the unfair situation I’ve found myself in. The start & end of terms have been a hard trigger for me since the day I had to stop, that still happens although I’m more ready for what I may feel when it happens. The summer holidays are still that bit trickier for me, it’s a huge shift for everyone and almost a completely different life for teachers when on 6 weeks holiday. It feels harder because it’s that *end of year productivity* feeling that I majorly lack and purpose of completing the year just isn’t there without work achievements.

With the help of a very dear friend who’s started a list for me, I’m aiming to reflect on the last 10 months in my own way by finishing her list. It has been another 10 months of chronic illness but also another 10 months of change, resilience, challenges but also celebrations to be acknowledged too.

Happy holidays to all my teachers - you’re amazing & deserve this more than most will know, so enjoy it. X