I’m trying really hard!
(& also feeling /lonely /heavy /off)
I’m trying so, so, unbelievably hard not to be like this.
Trying so hard not to be ill. still. I’m trying so much harder than you’d believe. But my body isn’t listening. With ALL the will in the world, I am bluddy trying — please trust me, it’s just not working. I wish that my trying would show physically because I’m trying SO hard inside but it’s not paying off, nor is it evident that I am to the outside.
I want to be able to do the most mundane tasks I really, really do.
The food shop, a load of washing, clean the bathroom or do a load of dishes. The pissing food shop, come on. I actually want to, willingly, be able to put myself through the UTTER chaos of Aldi, just to be able to prove my body can cope with something that is so seemingly small and routine for most.
But right now, I can’t do that. It pains me that basic tasks like these are such mountains to climb & sometimes just impossible. This is what others in the chronically ill community may refer to as a ‘crash’ or ‘flare’— a dip away from your everyday baseline functioning. So, the even slower than normal days it is, lots of time resting even more than my normal. Trying to accept that physically my body just needs to stop even from my already very low level movements. Succumbing to even more rest. Yep, even more!
Some will say I’m maybe trying too hard and positive thinking won’t cure me but I’m actually unable to do anything physically other than rest, so I’m just willing inside that the time resting will help me to get even the tiniest amount of energy to be able to go again. This is days on end of pyjamas, of lying still in a dark room, of lying down because I can’t tolerate sitting up, of going to bed at an insanely early hour, of waking not refreshed, days on end of sick & tired of being sick & tired. Sure is fricking LONG covid.
/lonely
/heavy
/feeling off
Feeling lonely is a weird feeling. You can be sat on your own and feeling lonely, physically. You can feel lonely in a certain place or amongst certain people when you lack commonalities. You may feel lonely in a room full of people — feeling so overwhelmingly disconnected from anything that’s happening around you. Feeling mentally lonely. It’s a strange feeling.
Yes, I may feel lonely but also can’t commit to plans at the moment a month ahead, next week or even tomorrow because I already know if I continue feeling like this then I’d have to cancel. And I don’t want to let anyone down so it’s easier not to promise in the first place. Trying to set boundaries for your body but also being a persistent people-pleaser is umm, a laugh?
It feels like you’re waiting forever for even the tiniest amount of energy to grace it’s presence and not knowing when but trying to trust that it will…
It feels as if every ounce of energy I have is being totally sucked out through my bones from underneath me. This is Long Covid with chronic fatigue and the intensity of it is pretty much indescribable unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I want to explain so you can understand but explaining is too hard. And the concept is tricky to empathise with when it’s so chronic.
chronic. constant. always. persistent. never ending. ALL THE TIME.
It is THE biggest effort to lift myself off the sofa to stand up, let alone to put one foot in front of another to move around the house. Never mind considering showering, deciding on outfits or choosing shoes to venture outside. It’s mostly worth it, mentally, to change the scenery but physically it is questionable.
I’m often on the edge of trying not to cry at the drop of a hat but when you’re SO exhausted from the simplest chores like showering & attempting to the dishes, it’s draining. Not being able to put together in your brain what to do next, do you get dressed, cry or wash your face? Or cry some more maybe? Watching a film drains me when fatigue is this intense. Literally lying on the sofa with a film on even in the background is just too much — any unfamiliar noises and too much going on. Has to be repetitive and of a calm nature. Not handling clothes touching my skin, can’t handle anything feeling fitted because it feels tight, claustrophobic and restricting on my breathing which also adds to the fatigue. Going out in the afternoon & evening anytime after about 2pm is so much harder on my body and often writes off following days.
But life doesn’t only exist before early afternoon does it?!
Life can’t always stop, it’s already felt like it has enough for me. Getting the balance between living not just surviving and instead enjoying the things that push the boundaries is a really tricky navigation. Days before resting and days after spent convincing myself that it WAS worth it is a mental drain and also, boring. Resting is so dull but neccessary.
As always there is my moan of just some of the things I find challenging on the daily. Last year’s first Long Covid awareness day I focused on the aspects of myself and my life that I miss — I still miss those. Although it’s painful to push that aside, sometimes the reality has to be faced of the things I can enjoy within my energy limits because that is what I have to focus on day to day.
15th March 2024 — Long Covid Awareness Day #2
I can’t really believe we’re at a second Long Covid awareness day already. It’s good to raise awareness and draw attention to research or the lack of for a variety of chronic illness but it really needs everyone talking about it all the time and all year round. If you come across someone who isn’t aware of Long Covid please take the time to explain to them the impact it’s having on so many people’s precious lives. This article below doesn’t even acknowledge the name of Long Covid even though it suggests that the reasons for higher economic inactivity is long-term health issues.
Isn’t it obvious Long Covid is such an issue when these numbers have increased since the start of the pandemic?
Looking back over photos of even this last year since the first awareness day and my last post about the parts of my life that I miss, it is still the smaller things I’m trying to focus happiness on. The moments of joy or glimmers in life. I often write about these and although this post may be repetitive those glimmers are what gets me through so I have to look for them.
Satisfying morning & evening skies, camping trips, fresh air, tasty food, company, simple laughs, those moments when you feel like you’ve achieved something you wanted to no matter how minuscule.
It’s all too easy to take these things for granted but when you’re in survival mode it’s also really hard to make sure these things are in your life. It’s worth it when you do get a dose of them, the hard work of planning is worth it because these things keep me going during the times where I’m just so over being chronically ill.
My tenses are all over the place so thanks for sticking with me, I don’t have anymore energy to edit. And this post may just be repeating myself form previous posts, however in reality that’s a bit like life with Long Covid.
Maybe instead I should call it Groundhog Day… which is a great film.
