How do you know you’re actually accepting to live with it?
One of my previous posts was titled similar but, if I’m being honest, I wasn’t accepting it so I guess this is like Learning to Live with Long Covid Take 2 (ft massive eye roll at myself). I thought I was and kept telling myself I was, including telling people around me that I’m living with it/dealing with it/ learning to accept it/always holding hope that I will get better, until I have had a couple of reality checks… now I realise I really needed to understand what that actually meant for me in order to attempt to accept the current situation.
OH appointments pushed me through the thinking and I’m really only now starting to believe I’m trying to live with it. I’m no longer teaching — an emotional rollercoaster of it’s own but that’s been paused for now, so that has been a huge shift in learning to live with my situation and has a massive influence on how I am adapting to each part of my life.
Living with Long Covid means a certain level of acceptance.
And acceptance isn’t easy or straightforward.
Most importantly, throughout the whole process, I will always hold the hope that I will get better at some point, although that may not be right now — and I’m okay with that. Be it tomorrow, next month or in years to come, I will always hold on to hope that I will be able to regain fitness skills I love, will be able to hike for the day without any limits or swim however many kms before work (and that one day I’ll be back in the classroom doing what I love best).
One thing I am telling myself is that by not working, by using a mobility scooter, by learning to live with it… these adaptions do NOT mean I have given up hope on recovering. I am purely just trying my hardest to live in the present and live a life where I can enjoy the simpler things whilst my body needs this time.
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It doesn’t have a name or anything but I got new wheels and am so grateful to be able to have my own. Particularly pleased with the colour and now accessorised my basket with flowers too. Because if people are going to stare, why not let them stare a bit more?! (I KNOW — you’re inquisitive/nosey but be more subtle or just speak to me…?)
The term ‘acceptance’ is a funny one. It’s hard to get the balance of trying to improve, trying to honour your daily needs, trying to not feeling like you’re failing (I know, people are kind and tell me often that I’m not but it’s the feels sometimes) and to live presently… A juggling act where one aspect often falls but I am trying to take a step back to ride it one wave at a time.
Moments of joy
I’ve been bridesmaid for my best friend and it was an absolutely stunning day (You don’t have to look further than the bride herself!!) surrounded by the best girls, most supportive partner and everyone who knows me, knew how huge being a part of this day was for me. Without making the day about me (my literal worst nightmare even discussing my needs full stop, let alone on someone else’s day) everyone helped me to ensure I was able to be there for as long as I could manage and to let my hair down too.
I was able to arrive when I needed to, in order to rest as much as possible before and I left at 10pm (although I hate missing out and the actual leaving totally kills me inside) I know that that was my limit from previous events. I don’t drink but there were lovely non-alcoholic options on offer and I had my hair and make up done for me so all I had to do was put on my (very gorgeous) dress.
I had a proper rest break in the middle of the day, my friends checked in on me throughout the day, Chris brought me cake when I was having a rest & sleep away from the party so I didn’t miss out and I tried to be firm with myself internally with sitting down/resting even just to watch from the back of the dance floor. It was hard and if we’re being totally honest, on the pacing side of things it never works because life’s too short to not enjoy yourself and get carried away a little bit. We made it work and dancing with my favourites to absolute tunes on a day so full of love was just bliss. Obviously I paid for it but in time I know resting gets me back to my Long Covid baseline so it’s always worth it.
And the best part? I’m lucky enough to be able to do it all over again next week with my uni girls for beautiful Steph’s wedding, and what a reunion that’ll be.
So, is that learning to live with it?
Decide for yourself
but
sometimes
just got to go with the flow
